


the fingers in his neck

by orphan_account



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst I guess, Choking, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23352727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Near and Mello are forced into a room together, Near must find a way to keep the tension between them in check.
Relationships: Mello | Mihael Keehl/Near | Nate River
Comments: 33
Kudos: 96





	1. and they were roomates

When Near was told he would have to share a room with Mello for the next few months, he felt more than a little dissatisfied.

It wasn’t a secret that the blond despised him with his entire being, and since the day they met, he could not remember a single peaceful conversation between them. Their personalities repelled each other, which led to chaos and disaster when someone tried to force them to work together.

Near had come to accept this as just another truth of life, as immutable as the fact that the sky is blue. Mello and him would never get along and Near was fine with that. He didn’t mind the feeling of Mello’s intense stare on his back, nor was he bothered by his words of disdain. He had grown used to this and it was just another part of his daily life. Mello was easy to avoid and he generally dodged him in the same way, so they usually stayed out of conflict. Few were the times when things got out of control between them, and it tended to be due to those weak attempts at forcing a good relationship between them.

Near knew why they did this. They wanted both of them to succeed L. All signs pointed to that direction, otherwise they would not be as insistent as they were. Near could also understand the reason behind such a decision: picking just one involved letting the other go, and no matter from which way one looked at it, that was a waste.

Near could be more calm and analytical but he was not nearly as decided and assertive as Mello, who matched his intelligence. If they could work together things would be much easier and Near would even dare to say that they could surpass L.

That was however not more than an utopian ideal. Mello hated him and his pride would never allow him to work with the one person he deemed a rival.

He often wondered when Roger would realize that Mello truly couldn’t stand him and would probably murder him if given the chance. And yet he wouldn’t complain, curious to see how far he would go until he finally gave up.

Yes, it was an inconvenience and a constant bother, but it kept things in the orphanage mildly interesting, even if just a little bit. Perhaps he didn’t mind as much as he liked to tell himself he did.

When Near was told that he would have to share a room with Mello he just nodded. It didn’t matter if he protested or if he didn’t, the choice had been made and he couldn’t do more than obey and do as he was told.

He began collecting the pieces of the puzzle he had just finished as a sigh escaped his lips. Now he’d have to put all of his toys inside a bag and move them into another room. How tedious.

He brought his fingers to his curly hair and began playing with it. He wondered how Mello would react. He could already hear his complaints. He pictured him with his fists clenched and biting his lower lip, using all of his strength to not pounce onto Roger and be convicted of murder.

Near smiled at the idea. Mello, always so expressive. That wouldn’t help him then.

He got up from the floor and walked to his closet, from which he took out a pair of bags that he would use to put his immense toy collection in. There was no choice, he had to get ready.

Maybe this would be the end, and after this experience Roger would finally give up and him and Mello could move on with their lives.

Or maybe Mello would choke him to death.

Regardless, Near was anxious to see the results.

* * *

When he got to the room that he would share with Mello, he was already there. Their eyes met for a couple of seconds but the older boy moved his sight almost immediately. Near didn’t show it but he felt uncomfortable; he could feel the way the tension that had existed between them for years would fill the room, and the feeling was unpleasant to him. He wanted to say something and be cordial, but Mello wouldn’t even look at him and was already under the covers of his bed, placed on the left side of the room. Near knew what Mello tried to tell him with this: ‘’Leave me alone. Don’t talk. Don’t open your mouth’’. He didn’t like to abide by Mello’s rules, and he found it pleasing in an almost sickening way to get him mad, but it didn’t seem like a good idea to start a conflict on just the first night, so he chose to obey the blond’s implicit orders.

Slowly he began to pull out the toys he brought with him and started to arrange them in his half of the room. It was bigger and more spacious than he’s previous one, which he liked.

He spent the next few hours playing with his robots and glancing at Mello every now and then. He wasn’t asleep, the rhythm of his breathing betrayed him. He was just ignoring him.

When it got dark and it was time for them to leave for dinner, Near got up from the floor and stared at Mello in silence. The boy didn’t seem to have any intention of getting out of bed, even if it was to feed himself.

‘’Mello-’’

‘’Shut up’’ he answered roughly before Near could even finish.

Near frowned and left the room, not saying anything else. He would get over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have yall heard of the choking game?? cause that's kind of what this is about.
> 
> this was originally meant to be a one-shot buuut then i got excited and now there's gonna be some form of a plot. not sure how long this will be, but i figure it's gonna be a relatively short story. the first two or three chapters aren't gonna have much dialogue in them, so sorry about that too. english is also not my first language and i am just in general trashTM so don't expect much from me ;;; i just love this ship and wanted to write something.


	2. a soft but sincere ''what the fuck''

As days went by, it became evident that Mello had decided to isolate himself from the world. Three days had passed since they both had been locked up together and the oldest of the two refused to leave the room. Matt had gone inside a couple of times to try and convince him to go outside, but Mello continued to refuse.

Matt seemed to grow more desperate with each day that passed and Near could see why. Mello had never acted in that way.

By abstaining from going out and keeping up with his usual routine, Mello was protesting. It was his way of rebelling to what he saw as an unfair system. Why should he be forced to live with someone he despised?

The boy would not starve. He had brought with him a few snacks and kept a water bottle in his backpack. Of course, he also had a bunch of chocolate bars that Near saw him eat throughout the day. There was a small bathroom in the room they shared, so he didn’t need to leave for that either.

This, however, wouldn’t help him for long. The food he had with himself would run out within a week and it wasn’t particularly healthy. His water bottle would be empty soon and his chocolate bars also wouldn’t last forever. Even if they did, Mello could not survive by only eating chocolate (though he would probably like that).

When the fourth night came, Near could see the anxiety in Mello’s eyes as he noticed that he didn’t have much left to eat. He probably felt hungry, he hadn’t had a full meal since a few days ago.

Near was starting to get worried. He had to do something and he had to do it soon.

* * *

Next night, Near left the room in silence. He walked the orphanage halls carefully, not wanting to make any noise as he made his way to the kitchen.

If Mello didn’t want to eat then Near would simply have to force him.

Not a single noise could be heard in the orphanage. Everyone was asleep by then, so it was highly unlikely for him to run into anyone during his little ‘’mision’’.

That’s what Near thought. And then he passed by room 16. He was surprised when the sound of childlike laughter came from that particular room. Whoever was in there had also left the lights on, and the door was slightly open, just enough so that if Near wanted he could simply take a peek at what went on inside.

He chose to ignore this. It was probably just a pair of kids who were up past their bedtime. Near and Mello were not the only ones who shared a room after all, and he imagined quite a few friendships had blossomed because of that. Near wouldn’t know, though. He didn’t really have friends. The closest thing to that was probably Linda, and he would only go as far as to say that he tolerated her company and occasionally found her to be a comfort. Near was quite the loner.

He continued his way and in less than a couple of minutes he had arrived to the orphanage’s kitchen. The door was unlocked as the kids that inhabited Wammy’s were not the type to misbehave and no one would suspect that one of those innocent children would ever dare to steal food. Why would they? They feed them everyday. The children were all well fed and the orphanage met all of their needs. It was a lot better than when he lived with his parents. He shook his head lightly and got the memory of his predecessors out of his mind. It was one of the few things that really got on his nerves.

He pulled out one of the plates that were kept on the cupboard and served a portion of the food they were given that same day. It was weird for them to eat pizza, but whenever they did most students imploded in joy. Near was not particularly fond of this food, but he knew Mello was quite the fan. He imagined he would enjoy the surprise once he got rid of the unavoidable shame that would come with the fact that Nate River himself was making him eat. That part wouldn’t make him quite as happy.

He took a soda out of the refrigerator and then grabbed one of the chocolate bars Mello seemed to love so much. 

‘’That seems enough’’ he whispered to himself as he made his way back.

* * *

He frowned upon noticing that noise could still be heard coming from room 16. The kids from the first floor tended to be the youngest, and it was unusual for them to stay up so late. It wasn’t usual for anyone to sleep late at Wammy’s, and if they did they were usually far more careful.

He succumbed to his curiosity and peaked through the small opening.

Inside there were three children: two boys and one girl. The girl, who appeared to be the youngest one, got up from the floor and sat on the bed with one of the boys, the one who looked like the oldest. She slowly got on top of him, a smile visible in her face.

‘’My turn’’ she said, making Near’s curiosity grow even bigger.

The boy nodded.

‘’One last time. After this we’re all going to bed’’.

The young girl (who Near assumed was not older than eight) pouted but didn’t say anything else. Her fingers moved to the boy’s neck, and Near had to cover his mouth to prevent any noises from coming out of it.

She was choking him.

She began to apply more pressure against the boy beneath her, who could only let out soft and occasional groans and whose eyes got more blurry the more Near looked at them. The third boy would only stare at them, a depraved smile lighting up his face.

Near was about to intervene when the girl finally released her victim’s neck, who gasped desperately for air as soon as he could. The other two simply laughed at him, who gave them a stern look once he was finally put together.

‘’You’re getting weaker. How lame!’’ the other boy mocked.

‘’It’s only because i’m tired!’’ he replied in a defensive tone. ‘’I’m sure i’ll win tomorrow’’

Near was not the type of person who would cuss, yet in that moment all he could whisper in his confusion was a soft but sincere ‘’what the fuck’’.

He felt scared. He was never good at speaking to others and could barely act accordingly in regular social situations. How was he supposed to react to something like that?

Near ran to his room and didn’t look back. Tomorrow he’d decide what he would do about that weird mess he accidentally got himself into. 

Oh, how he damned his curiosity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH, so i'm not particularly happy with this chapter but it is what it is. Since we're all stuck at home rn i expect to update soon so yee


	3. one-sided conversations at 1am

When Near reached his room, he felt like he was about to cry.

Contrary to what most people seemed to believe, Near was quite the sensitive guy. In fact, he was pretty certain that he was even more sensitive than most, and often had to keep his feelings in check to function like a normal human being. Well, as normal as Near could possibly be.

He didn’t cope well under stressful situations, and that had been one of the most unsettling experiences in his life.

He placed the food on top of his bed and sat next to it, letting out a deep sigh. He almost felt guilty. Those kids, for whatever reason, were putting themselves in danger. Judging by the way they talked about it, that was probably not the first time they engaged in such concerning behaviours, and it would definitely not be the last. 

And yet Near had done nothing but to stare at them in awe. It was this weird fascination that disturbed him, disgusted him.

He had always felt a deep fascination when it came to the concept of death. It was so unsettling and difficult to wrap his head around it, and humans often obsess over what they can’t understand. What Near had just saw was basically three young kids playing with their own lives to the point of risking death, and that was just such a disturbing idea. Near wanted to know  _ why _ .

What was the purpose of risking it all in such a way? He was almost sure the children didn’t understand, and their actions simply came from a desire to prove themselves to be brave. Maybe life became more beautiful once you were so close to losing it. It was a safe environment for them to explore their deepest fears without actually putting themselves in danger. Well, at least that was what they seemed to think. Near could imagine a thousand things that could possibly go wrong, and he suspected they were ignorant to how high those risks actually were.

But they were just kids. It would be so easy for them to mess things up accidentally, so as fascinating as the whole scene was, Near knew he should probably do something to prevent anything from going bad.

He didn’t have to, of course, but it felt like the right thing to do.

And then there was Mello.

Near almost forgot the entire reason why he was in such a weird position. He looked over at the blond across the room, who slept peacefully and unaware of what went on inside Near’s head. He looked so nice when he was like that, so vulnerable and calm. It was almost beautiful, Near thought.

He grabbed the food on his bed and walked towards the older boy. It felt rude to wake him up so suddenly, but Near had decided it was better to get it all done in one night. He didn’t like to wait.

‘’Mello’’ he whispered, in an attempt to wake him up, but his voice was so soft that it simply went unnoticed. He was afraid about the way Mello would react.

‘’Mello’’ he said again, firmly this time ‘’Wake up’’.

And then he was faced by a pair of blue eyes. He would’ve thought they were pretty and appealing to look at if it wasn’t for the fact that they stared at him with anger.

‘’What the fu-’’

‘’Mello needs to eat’’ Near interrupted him abruptly. Not giving Mello a chance to react, he placed the food on the bed and gave him a serious look ‘’If Mello wants to do well, then he needs to take care of himself’’

Mello sat up and looked at him in confusion. He glanced at the pizza slice Near had offered and frowned.

'’Where did you get this?’’

‘’From the kitchen, obviously. Mello should be smarter than to ask such dumb questions.’’

Mello clenched his jaw and glared at him.

‘’I don’t want it’’ he said firmly ‘’I didn’t ask for this. You-’’

‘’Then i’m going to force you’’ he said raising his voice, while maintaining his calm tone. ‘’This is extremely childish behaviour, especially coming from someone like you. All you’re doing is making a fool out of yourself and making everyone who cares about you concerned. You need to stop this. Now.’’

Mello was shocked. His mouth opened slightly and his eyes widened. He clearly wasn’t used to that side of Near’s personality.

‘’Listen’’ Near started, looking directly into his eyes. ‘’I get you don’t like me, and i don’t mind that. It’s fine and i’m sure that’s how things will always be. But if you  _ genuinely  _ want to become number one and beat me, you have to take care of yourself. Otherwise you’ll achieve nothing. We’re on a break right now, but what are you gonna do once we start having classes again? Just skip them? That’s not gonna help your case and it only benefits me, so stop. Tomorrow i want you to go out and start acting normal again. You need to socialize to keep a good mental health, and right now you need to eat. So do it. Eat it’’

Mello seemed even more shocked this time. That felt oddly satisfying.

‘’What if i say no?’’ Mello finally replied after a few seconds of silence.

‘’Then i’ll have to get you help’’ Near finally stated. If this was anybody else, then that sentence wouldn’t mean much, perhaps they would even appreciate it. But to Mello? To Mello that was a threat. ‘’So which is it?’’

The blond averted his gaze and instead stared at the pizza in front of him. Slowly, he took a small bite, and Near could feel his body relax at that simple sight.

He walked towards his own bed and left Mello to do his thing. As he got under the covers, he told him:

‘’I understand this must be difficult for you. I’m sure that you don’t like that i, of all people, had to be the one to tell you this. It must feel humiliating. But i wouldn’t act like this if i wasn’t concerned about you.’’ he paused for a couple of seconds and then continued ‘’I’m glad to see you’re actually taking my advice. I really am. I hope tomorrow i’ll see you acting like your usual self again.’’

There was no reply. Near didn’t usually talk that much, and it made him uncomfortable to be in such a position, so he decided to end their one-sided conversation in that very moment.

‘’Goodnight, Mello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy so here's the update. kind of a short chapter, but it's something


	4. uncomfortable explanations

When Near woke up the next morning he was pleasantly surprised to see the empty bed on the other side of the room. He was happy that Mello was finally coming to his senses and everything would probably go back to normal in the next few days; excluding the fact that he and Mello shared a room. That part he still was getting used to.

He yawned and forced himself out of his bed. He felt really tired after the strange adventure he found himself in the night before. He considered staying in bed and skipping breakfast for that day but his stomach begged him for food. He decided after getting himself something to eat he would go back to bed and sleep for the entire day; he deserved it, after all.

Lazily he made his way to the dining room, which was filled with kids of all ages. He took a look around and found himself staring at Mello, who seemed to enjoy his food far more than he usually did. Perfectly understandable, considering how little he had to eat in the previous days. Matt sat beside him, a huge smile on his face as he stared at his best friend. He probably was glad to see him back.

It was just like any other day.

He moved towards the food court, looking for something that he could eat quickly so that he could go back to bed. He got himself a chicken sandwich and a bottle of apple juice and then made his way to his usual seat.

Near mostly sat by himself in one of the corners of the room. Most people understood that Near was not extroverted in the slightest and would much rather be left alone than to be forced to interact with the rest of the kids. It was rare for someone to go up and talk to him, most days Near would just sit there, have his lunch and then would leave not saying a word to anyone. To his bad luck, that was not one of those days.

‘’Hey.’’ a soft voice spoke, and Near could feel someone sitting next to him ‘’You don’t look so good.’’

‘’I had a rough night’’ he replied calmly as he took a bite out of his sandwich.

‘’I can tell! Look at those eye bags” Linda said, letting out a small chuckle. ‘’I just wanted to ask about-’’

‘’Mello?’’ Near completed, turning to look at her.

‘’Uh, yes. I just wanted to know if you knew anything about how he’s doing. He’s been worrying me.’’

‘’Why not ask him yourself?’’

‘’You really think he’d tell me anything?’’ Linda said raising an eyebrow.

‘’No, but i won’t tell you much either. Mello isn’t my friend, but if he was i would rather respect his privacy.’’ Near replied as he finished his sandwich off ‘’He’s doing fine. Don’t worry about him so much.’’

‘’And how are YOU doing?’’ Linda inquired ‘’Must be difficult sharing a room with… well, Mello’’

‘’Isn’t Mello your friend? How rude of you to stab him in the back like that’’

‘’Of course he’s my friend, at least i like to think he is. But YOU’RE not his friend and i just assumed you’re probably not having a good time. Mello can be pretty… intense sometimes. But try to be patient with him, please?’

‘’I’m always patient with him, Linda.’’ Near replied in an almost offended tone ‘’I brought him food last night.’’

‘’Oh?’’

That’s something he probably shouldn’t have said. Mello wouldn’t appreciate other people finding out about the role Near had in his sudden reappearance, he’d likely feel humiliated and ashamed. Mello didn’t rely on anyone, and he especially didn’t rely on Near. But in that moment, he had felt the need to defend himself. Just because Mello couldn’t stand him it didn’t mean the feeling was mutual.

‘’Don’t tell anyone i said that’’ Near added quickly, lifting his hand to start playing with his hair. ‘’Mello wouldn’t like that…’’

‘’No worries, i won’t.’’ the girl reassured him ‘’I do want to know the details though’’

Near sighed. There was no getting out of this one. Linda was one of the most persistent humans he had ever met.

‘’Well’’ he began ‘’I was just worried, i suppose. Mello was not taking good care of himself and it was upsetting to see. So last night i snuck into the kitchen and i got him a little bit of food. I talked to him a little bit, but he didn’t really say anything.’’

‘’Oh, wow’’ she said, sounding fairly impressed by Near’s actions. ‘’I didn’t know you cared about him that way.’’

Near looked down. He didn’t like to think about his feelings for Mello, because he himself couldn’t fully understand them. He thought he was fascinating, and smart, and he had a beautiful mind. He admired his drive and his energy, and often wished he could be a little bit more like him. Sometimes he wondered how things could have been had they been friends, had Mello given him a chance. Something told him that he would enjoy his company, find it comforting in some way. He felt as if Mello could understand him deep down, if only he tried. But Mello didn’t try, Mello didn’t even want to. So Near just pushed his thoughts away.

‘’I…’’ he mumbled after a couple of seconds in silence ‘’I care about Mello in the same way i care about anyone else. That’s all.’’

Linda tilted her head and nodded. She seemed satisfied with his answer.

‘’Alright. Did he at least say thank you?’’ she asked, only to laugh it off a few seconds afterwards ‘’Who am i kidding? It’s Mello, of course he didn’t. Anyway, is that why you look so tired?’’

Near meditated on his answer for a little bit. Linda was trustworthy, and she was also the person he was the closest to (even if that wasn’t much). If there was someone he could tell about the terrors of the night before, it was her.

‘’Well… yes and no.’’ 

‘’Mm? What does that mean?’’

‘’Something really weird happened last night, and i’m not sure what to think of it. Maybe you can enlighten me.’’

Near proceeded to detail what happened last night. He explained how he didn’t think much of it at first, how his curiosity got the best of him and he just couldn’t resist his impulse to take a look. He told her what went on inside the room and how he didn’t know what to do, so he ran back to his own bedroom.

Linda seemed a little uncomfortable as Near shared his experience, but not much else. He was surprised by that, he expected a far more expressive reaction.

‘’Oh.’’ Linda finally said after the white haired boy finished talking ‘’Well, that was… a lot. But i know what you’re talking about so… i think i can clear some things up for you’’

‘’You can?’’ he exclaimed softly, in shock. He honestly was not expecting that, he mostly just wanted to tell someone else and let some of his feelings out. He wanted to validate his discomfort, he supposed.

‘’Yeah, i can.’’ she nodded ‘’You’ve never heard of the choking game, obviously. It’s this weird thing that everyone suddenly got into. You basically choke someone else and see how much they last until they give up. Sometime it lasts until the person faints, it really depends on who’s playing.’’

‘’Oh. Thrill seeking behaviour, then’’

‘’Exactly.’’ she agreed ‘’I don’t know much about it because it makes me feel really uncomfortable and i honestly don’t think it’s safe, but that’s basically what it is. Don’t worry much about them, i understand that seeing that was probably upsetting, but they’ll probably stop doing it once the fuss is all over. Just… think about something else, i guess.’’

Linda’s explanation had answered a lot of his internal questions, but the fascination he felt didn’t go away. He didn’t like that.

‘’I’m going back to bed.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, so i'm really hoping starting next chapter i can actually start moving the plot a little bit jfkdjgj be patient guys, i know the ride has be slow so far, but we're getting there, i promise djfknsjf


	5. Weirdo

When Near got to his room, he immediately jumped to his bed and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted from the night before, and now that Linda had given him a satisfying explanation for the shocking events, he felt like he could get some closure and sleep peacefully.

And yet he couldn’t. 

For some reason Near couldn’t understand, finding out about this game had only made matters worse. Suddenly his curiosity was growing and he found himself feeling this strange desire to understand the phenomenon in a deeper level.

He wondered what those kids felt.

Did they like it?

Near turned around on his bed, facing the wall and letting out a groan. He had already established that it was likely some form of thrill seeking behaviour and that was it. Just a bunch of kids looking for adrenaline and with a strong desire to prove to their friends how strong and brave they were.

What Near truly wanted to know was something else: would  _ he  _ enjoy it?

It was a stupid question. Before that he had never expressed a desire to engage in anything similar, and yet it was all he seemed to think about now. Maybe it was the concept of losing himself for a few seconds, getting a small taste of the dangers of death. Maybe he wanted to feel something else that wasn’t boredom and lack of motivation. Maybe he just wanted to feel  _ something. _

But who knows?

He was ready to push his thoughts away when he heard the sound of someone opening the door.

Mello.

‘’I know you’re awake, don’t fucking try that with me’’ Mello’s voice said loudly. Near then felt someone sitting in his bed.

‘’Me-’’

‘’Why?’’

The question caught him of guard. What did Mello mean by that?

‘’Why what?’’

‘’Why did you do that for me?’’Mello asked ‘’Last night, i mean. I didn’t ask you for it. Don’t you want to win? Why even bother making sure i do alright? It doesn’t matter.’’

‘’It does matter, Mello’’ Near replied, finally sitting up and turning to look at him. ‘’It’s not like i want you to make yourself feel sick. You weren’t doing well, so i just said something. I would do that for anyone else.’’

That last part was a lie. Near did care about other people, but he cared about Mello in a very particular way. He wouldn’t do that for anyone else, but he didn’t need Mello to know he was special.

‘’I… just… i don’t get it! I wouldn’t do the same for you, so-’’

‘’I know that’’ Near interrupted ‘’And i don’t care.’’

Mello remained silent.

‘’Just because you don’t like me doesn’t mean i can’t like  _ you’’ _

Mello opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again. Near smiled to himself, feeling proud of his ability to confuse Mello and constantly catch him of guard. It was fun to him.

Mello clearly did not appreciate that smile, judging by his face.

‘’Just.. why are you so weird? Cut it off.’’

And then he left the room, not giving Near a chance to tell him how much those words truly bothered him.

But it was fine. He was used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this chapter too short? yes  
> do i take constructive criticism? no


	6. stupid mello

The next few days, Near finds himself in a bad mood. 

It bothers him to see that he’s not as in control of his emotions as he would like to think he is. Most of the time Near can’t find it in him to care about the rest of the world, and even when that isn’t the case he can at least repress it until it’s as if the feeling was never there to begin with. It’s very rare for things to get to him.

But this? Oh, this enrages him.

Near isn’t familiar with rage and he very rarely felt it. He dislikes the feeling, he found it intense and irrational and distracting. So unlike anything Near was used to. So he feels frustrated when the feeling suddenly pops up on his chest to disturb his peace.

The reason for his anger frustrates him even more. It’s stupid and the more Near thinks about it the less sense it makes to feel so strongly about it. It’s a waste of time, he thinks. 

But there he is. Staying up at night, feeling miserable for no good reason.

Because Mello has been ignoring him and somehow that’s the thing that gets under his skin. He can take his cruel words and his intimidating glares, but being ignored? Near  _ hates  _ that, and Near rarely hates anything.

He doesn’t get it, and he thinks that’s the worst part of it. He’s fine with anyone else ignoring him so why is it that when Mello does it he feels as offended as he does? He should be relieved, really. Mello no longer snaps at him when he gets a little too close, he no longer stares at him with daggers in his eyes when he thinks Near isn’t paying attention. Instead there’s just indifference.

And somehow that hurt Near more than any insult Mello could throw at him. 

“Stupid Mello…” he mutters under his breath.

He turns on his bed to look at the older boy. He’s sleeping peacefully, completely unaware of the turmoil he has caused. Near imagines he’d find it amusing.

He falls asleep staring at Mello’s face.

* * *

When Near wakes up, he’s surprised to see the blond’s still there. Unusual, he’s typically gone by the time Near opens his eyes. But there he is, still sleeping. Near decides to appreciate his features while he still can. 

He always thought Mello was nice to look at. Despite his attitude, he was… what was the word? Pretty? 

Yeah. Pretty. Mello had always been.

The blond’s blue eyes suddenly open up and Near bites his tongue. They're staring at each other now and he finds that to be uncomfortable but somehow he can’t bring himself to look away. He feels heat rush to his cheeks and wants to slap himself for it. Since when did anything warrant such a reaction from Near?

He doesn’t know what he expects in that moment, but he knows he’s waiting for something. Anything. For Mello to frown and call him a freak, for Mello to yell anything at him.

And instead, Near gets nothing. There’s silence and that’s it. Mello gets up from his bed, not even acknowledging Near’s existence. He finds himself clenching his fist.

“What? That’s it?” he says out loud.

Mello looks back and Near tells himself mentally that this is a victory. A small one, but a victory nonetheless. Mello reacted to him and that’s more than what he has done in days. The blond eyes him with curiosity, not saying anything but clearly weirded out by Near’s seemingly out of place comment.

“What… I… what is this?” Near mutters in frustration as he gets up “Why are you ignoring me?”

“What?”

“You know what.” he tells him, getting up from his bed to go sit next to Mello. whose eyes widened in confusion “Why are you ignoring me? This is unlike you and i don’t understand it. What are you trying to prove?”

He suddenly realizes how stupid he sounds and embarrassment flushes his face. Wasn’t this just proof of Mello’s maturity? If he could finally exist without obsessing over Near, didn’t that show his growth?

No. That couldn’t be. Near knew Mello, and this was off. This wasn’t him.

“What the fuck-”

And without even thinking it, Near throws himself at Mello, making him fall back on his bed. He doesn’t know why he did that. It’s dumb and irrational, just like everything he had done that morning. Why did Mello cloud his mind like that? Near always liked to think it was the other way around.

_ “Stupid Mello.”  _ he thinks.

He doesn’t have time to process his own strange behaviour, because Mello has somehow flipped their position and is now the one on top. Near gasps. He thinks about how this is the closest they’ve ever been.

“Listen here, you little shit.” Mello starts and Near gulps when he hears his voice. It almost sounded like a growl “Whatever i’m doing is none of your fucking business and it’s weird that you suddenly seem to care this much.”

Near takes a deep breath. He can almost feel Mello’s voice against his skin, a reminder of how close they are. Mello’s body is pressed against his, and the boy’s hands are also holding Near’s wrists in place.

He feels something warm inside him, close to his stomach. Something he doesn’t think he’s ever felt before. All Near knows is that he likes it, whatever it is. 

“Am i being clear?” Mello speaks again, pulling Near away from his thoughts “Or do i have to repeat myself? Stop fucking with me, i’m sick of you! I can’t fucking stand you, i want to-”

“You want to what? Choke me?

Near doesn’t process the words until they have left his mouth.

“-punch you in the face. Though, that’s a nice suggestion.” Near has to bite his cheek to prevent himself from smiling. “But i won’t do any of that.”

Near almost pouts in disappointment.

Mello pulls away from Near and gets up from the bed, giving him one last warning look.

“I’m leaving, but i might not be so kind next time. So maybe stop being such a bother.”

The blond walks out of the room and Near feels his senses slowly comeback to him. His mind isn’t so blurry anymore and he finds himself more frustrated and confused than he was at the beginning. Why was he acting like that? How did he allow all of that to happen?

Why did the idea of Mello choking him sound so nice?

“Stupid Mello…” he mumbles again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are my updates always so short rip


	7. awkward conversations

Near wishes he could hate Mello. He wishes he could despise him and blame each and all of his problems on him. Mello had always done that when it came to Near, so maybe it wasn’t such a terrible idea, was it?

And yet, he knows he can’t do any of that. Not only is it illogical and unreasonable (and he isn’t any of those things) but he also isn’t able to. Sometimes he thinks Mello could do the most terrible of things and Near would still be unable to feel anything but curiosity, respect and what he thinks is attachment. And in this particular case, hating Mello would be downright unfair. As much as Mello frustrated him and caused his judgment to get blurry, that wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own. And so, he settles for the next best thing, which is hating himself. It’s unproductive and does nothing but make him feel like garbage but he can at least make sense of that. The reason why things are weird and awkward between him and Mello was because he decided to go and act like an idiot for no apparent reason. This time, Near was the problem, and he couldn’t deny it as much as he would want to.

And that’s what bothers him the most. Near has always been the better person, he has always been the one in control. It was always him who made Mello lose control. And yet, now it was him who couldn’t think rationally, obsessing over every little detail about his rival. It was intoxicating and Near hated every part of it. He didn’t know how Mello had survived like that for such a long time.

At the very least, Mello didn’t seem to be as indifferent now that Near had confronted him in such a humiliating way. He didn’t approach him and definitely seemed to be doing his best to avoid his presence as much as he possibly could, but Near could feel his intense glare on his back again. It was oddly comforting, to know Mello was aware of his pitiful existence.

If he was honest, Near was mostly just embarrassed. He had acted like an idiot in front of Mello and had lost control of himself in a way he wasn’t used to. He was also just now getting adjusted to the strange sensations that would suddenly show up whenever he thought of Mello.

It was killing him in the worst possible way.

He groaned loudly and covered his face with his palms. Feelings were exhausting _. Mello_ was exhausting.

As if he needed any more reasons to feel upset, the door opens suddenly and Mello walks inside the room. Near feels his whole body tense up at his presence. He felt so awkward whenever he was around.

They don’t say a word to each other. Mello just walks to his side of the room and sits on his bed. Their eyes lock for a second, but both quickly look away. Near feels himself shiver at this, but he can’t understand why.

“You should stop staring at me so much.” Mello tells him as he takes off his shoes. Near is caught off guard by this. Was Mello talking to him? Was he dreaming? “It’s getting weird.”

“Mello stares at me just as much, if not more.” Near replies in a calm tone. 

Mello doesn’t say anything, instead getting under his covers. Near bites his lip. He knew that was gonna be his response, it always was. Still, it made him strangely upset. He didn’t like having Mello so close and yet so out of his reach.

“I’m sorry.” he says without thinking. Mello looks up at him, one of his eyebrows raised in confusion “For the other day, i mean. I was being very rude and invasive. I’m sorry Mello had to see me like that.”

He clears his throat and looks down. He isn’t used to apologizing over anything, at least not this sincerely.

“Oh.I can’t believe you of all people is apologizing to me.” Mello has a satisfied grin on his lips and Near can’t help but roll his eyes.

“I felt like i owed it to you. I can admit when i’m being irrational. Maybe Mello should learn from me.”

He can’t help the way his lips curve into a smile at the way Mello frowns at his comment.

“Shut up, dumbass.” he replies with clear annoyance in his voice “I was about to say thank you, but now i guess i won’t. Since you wanna be a dick”

“Huh? Thank me for what?” Near asks curiously.

“Nothing. Goodnight, Near.”

“No, please.” he insists, sounding far more desperate than he intended to “I really want to know.”

Mello stares at him in silence for a few seconds. Finally, he opens his mouth and says.

“Fine. I was gonna thank you for… the food thing. I guess that was kind of nice of you. Kind of.” 

“Oh. You’re welcome then, it really was nothing.”

They both stare into each other's eyes for a few seconds, sitting in an awkward silence that grew more tense with each moment that passed.

“Well, uh… goodnight, i guess.”

Near has to consciously stop himself from frowning. He wants to talk more. This is the nicest conversation they’ve ever had. A little awkward but still nicer than all the usual yelling between them. He wants to speak to him more, have his attention for just another minute..

“Goodnight, Mello.” he says instead. No need to push things too far. That was already a step in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are we even surprised that this i wrote ANOTHER short chapter. no.


	8. just a suggestion

The life around the orphanage had gone back to what it was. Mello was back to being his usual self, (mostly just hanging around Matt and some others) and his usual hostility towards Near was slowly coming back too. So Near should be satisfied, after all, this is what he wanted. He wanted Mello to be back to his old self and there he was, same as always. And yet, he isn’t satisfied, he’s starting to think he’s never going to be when it comes to Mello.

He doesn’t really know when he suddenly started hoping for so much more. He has always wondered how life would be like if Mello was a little more accepting and friendly towards him, but he was also very aware of the difference between his fantasies and his reality. It wasn’t until they started sharing a room that the fact that Mello disliked him turned into an issue for him. He liked having Mello around, more than he imagined he would. Sometimes, Matt would come into their room and sit on Mello’s bed, talking to him for hours. They didn’t pay much attention to Near, and Near acted like he wasn’t interested but he always listened. It gave him a glimpse of what a friendship with the blond would look like. He liked that side of him, the side that liked joking around, the side that was relaxed and playful and… kind. It was a part of Mello he wished he could have to himself.

Those days, he finds himself wishing more and more he could be in Matt’s place.

“What the FUCK is this?”

Mello’s loud voice takes him out of his thoughts. He looks up from the puzzle he was supposed to be finishing and meets Mello’s angry gaze. The boy holds out in front of his face one of Near’s robots, one he was playing with a couple of hours ago.

“That’s a toy robot, Mello. I’m surprised you can’t figure it out yourself.”

“I know what it is. I’m not an idiot” the blond replies, eye twitching “But why was it on my side of the room?”

“Probably an accident. My apologies.” Near says, taking the toy away from Mello’s hand “Now please lower your voice, it’s late and we don’t want to wake someone up.”

“You think this is loud?” Mello scoffs “I can get so much louder.”

“Please don’t.”

“Then don’t put your crap on my side of the room.”

“Oh? So what about the chocolate wrap i found on _my_ side the other day? Are you gonna do something about that?”

“That was an accident.”

“Well, this was an accident too. What’s your point?”

Mello doesn’t respond, instead choosing to go back to his own bed while muttering under his breath. Near takes that as a win.

“You argue too much, Mello. It’s not good for you.”

“The fuck do you know about what’s good for me?”

“I just know that obsessing so much over me and going out of your way to start arguments between us isn’t very helpful, is it?”

Near goes back to arming his puzzle, ignoring the shivers he gets at the feeling of Mello staring at him intensely.

“I don’t obsess over you.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Well, you’re the one who got upset when i stopped doing that. So what the fuck do you want from me?”

“I want to get along.” Near says, staring back at him “The other day, when i apologized to you. You were nice. I like that Mello, he’s just almost never here.”

Mello seems surprised by Near’s honesty, and why shouldn’t he be? Their conversations were never like this, and even Near felt weird after speaking to him so sincerely. It was unknown territory for both of them.

“As if we could get along.” Mello says after a few seconds of silence “We don’t like each other. We never have.”

“No.” Near says with irritation “ _You_ don’t like _me,_ Mello.”

Mello’s eyes go wide open, and for a moment Near thinks that he made a mistake. He stops arming his puzzle.

“Then what do you think of me?”

“I don’t dislike you.”

“And?”

“And i’m not opposed to spending time with you.”

Mello gets up from his bed and Near feels tempted to look up and meet his face, see how his words have impacted him. Instead, he remains in place, holding out a gasp when he feels Mello sit next to him.

“And?”

Near gulps.

“And i wish you weren’t so… frustrating and overwhelming.” he says, finally looking up and staring directly into Mello’s eyes. Their faces are close, making Near uncomfortable and unsettled but he decides to not move away. He wouldn’t want Mello to take that the wrong way. “Like i said, i don’t dislike you. At all. But you fight too much, argue too much… _you’re_ too much. I wish you were more laid back, just a little bit. I can’t keep up with you like this and maybe that’s the point. But i don’t know for how much longer i’ll have to share a space with you, and i don’t want to spend an eternity feeling this… tension. I’m sure you hate it too, this feeling”

Mello bites his lip and nods. Near’s surprised that Mello’s fist isn’t in his mouth yet.

“I can be laid back.”

“I know you can be. Just not when it’s me, right?”

Mello doesn’t respond.

“Look, i know you don’t like me. I’m fine with that, i don’t care. But we need to coexist, just for a few months, and maybe we can even learn something out of this. We just… have to find a way to ease the tension.”

“And what’s the way?”

“I don’t know, we’ll think of something.” he responds, not wanting to go into detail about the alternatives his mind was coming up with. He doesn’t know how Mello could react to that with anything other than disgust.

“I can’t believe i’m listening to you. I fucking hate you.” he groans.

“That’s fine. You can hate me as much as you want, i’d just prefer it if you did it in silence.”

“I can’t promise anything.” he smirks.

“Then don’t.” Near tells him “Also, you’re a little too close.I feel like we should establish some boundaries when it comes to that.”

Mello’s eyes go wide, and he immediately moves away from Near as far as he can. He gets up from the floor and clears his throat, averting his gaze.

“Right. We can establish them tomorrow, that’s enough talking for tonight.”

Near nods. As much as he likes Mello, he needed some time on his own to think things well, and his social battery was already getting low.

“Fine by me, Mello. I hope you sleep well.”

“Yeah, you too, i guess.”

Near looks back to his puzzle. He feels like smiling but decides to stop himself, not wanting Mello to ask any questions in case he happened to look his way. Knowing him, he’d probably take it as Near mocking him or something equally ridiculous and he wasn’t about to compromise the immense progress they made in that single night. He never expected things to get that good but there he was, having survived an entire conversation with Mello.

He was starting to think things between them were not as bad as they seemed.

*

Next day, Near waits patiently on his bed for Mello to come back from wherever he was (Near assumes he's hanging out in Matt's room, but one can never be sure when it comes to Mello). He takes a deep breath and starts playing with his hair as a way to distract himself and calm down the anxiety that grows in his chest. He can't wait to have the blond in front of him so they can actually have a discussion, and the wait is almost killing him.

He thinks back to the night before, when he talked to Mello with complete honesty and didn't die like he thought he would. He wishes every day was like that, wishes he could always stand so close to Mello and feel like they were something other than rivals.

But that was pushing it too far and Near knows that. He's not the type of guy to fantasize, but he finds that Mello seems to be the exception.

And as if Mello could hear Near's thoughts begging him to get there, he comes through the door. Near can feel his heart stop.

There's an uncomfortable tension as Mello sits on Near's bed. They don't say anything to each other for a few minutes and Near starts to get both impatient and nervous. 

There's some things he desperately wants to say, and he doesn't know for how much longer he can keep them to himself.

"So? Are we not going to talk?" Mello finally says and Near lets out a sigh of relief.

"Yes. We're supposed to continue our conversation from last night."

"Right. You said we had to "establish some boundaries", didn't you?"

"That's right. And we also need to figure out a way to get along, or at least to tolerate each other."

Mello nods.

"Well, then what's your plan?"

"I was hoping i could hear yours first."

Mello turns to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't have one. This entire thing is your idea, there's no way you haven't thought of something."

"I have. It's just a little… weird and i'm not even sure it will work the way i want it to. There's a possibility that this is a terrible idea, maybe the worst i've ever had."

Mello laughs at Near's words.

"You? Having bad ideas? That's a new one."

"I'm going to assume this is your way of complementing me. Thank you."

"Alright, i don't have the whole night. What are you thinking?"

Near bites his lower lip. It was too late to go back now.

"Well… there's a little something i've been wanting to test for a while now, but i've been unable to because it requires more than one participant. I think you could help me with my little experiment, and i think in doing so, you will find a way to take your frustrations out."

"What's this experiment about?" Mello asks, tilting his head to the side and staring at Near with curiosity.

"Well…" Near starts, taking a deep breath "Have you heard of the choking game?"

"Yes, i-" Mello suddenly stops himself, as his eyes go wide open. His face tells Near that he doesn't need to explain any further.

"Near, do you want me to choke you?"

"Yes." he says without hesitation.

"Why? That seems unlike you."

Near raises his shoulders.

"I don't know. The idea fascinates me and i've been so curious to know how it feels. And you're the perfect one for this! I get to experience this thing i've been wanting to for so long, and you can finally take your frustrations out on me. I think it's a great deal."

Mello has suddenly turned serious. Near expected that to be the case, but still feels a little disappointed at how Mello didn't immediately agree to his request.

"Near, you're annoying and an asshole."

"I know that."

"But i have never hurt you and i've never planned on doing so."

"That's why i think this would work. You wouldn't take it too far, i know that. I also wouldn't say you'd be hurting me, after all, i asked you to. It will only look like you're hurting me."

Mello still seems hesitant.

"I don't know, Near… seems a little extreme, even for my standards."

"Could you just consider it, at least?" he insists "It's not gonna hurt you to think about it. We can decide tomorrow night if it makes you more comfortable."

"I guess… i'll consider it."

Near smiles triumphantly.

"Thank you, Mello."

"You're welcome, i guess." he says, getting up from Near's bed and going to his own "Good night then. We'll talk tomorrow."

Near gets under the covers and lets out a sigh of relief. He was glad he managed to get what he wanted out of his chest. Now that Mello knows about what he's been thinking, Near has nothing to hide from him. He can only hope the older boy would come to the same conclusion as Near: that this was the perfect way for them to work out their feelings. Mello gets some release and Near gets to satisfy his curiosity, who wouldn't agree to such a deal?

But Near knows it's not as simple as that. He knows the fact that he even considered the idea in the first play is weird, and he knows Mello probably feels unsettled. He didn't miss the way he awkwardly looked around the room as he discussed things with Near.

He closes his eyes. There was no point in thinking about it too much. Mello would reach his own conclusions and whatever they were, Near would respect them. He just had to wait for one more night to see how it all turned out.


End file.
